rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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