I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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