Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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