i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My boob is missing a layer of skin
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
