Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
