this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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