I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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