I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
