and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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