She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
is it fun? or sober?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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