I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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