I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You should frame my arrest warrant.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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