Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
