somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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