I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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