Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Randomize
