i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
