Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
