At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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