before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
