If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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