This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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