im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
false alarm. still invincible.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
