i can't believe i had my finger in that
you didnt know i had herpes?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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