and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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