textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
