I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
