Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
