the new term for farting is butt boxing.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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