So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
