I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
