Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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