why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
