im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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