tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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