An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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