i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
