Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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