Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize