Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
