Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
