He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
