what day is it and did you see me today?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
