tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
