Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
