the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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