I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
