ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
