Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
