Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
