i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
