No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i out mim tonsoeep
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
