He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
