ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
