My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
